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On Wednesday I had my first breast MRI. With three generations on my maternal side passing away from cancer, I’ve been deemed high risk even though genetic testing was negative for all breast cancer-associated genes. I really wish this wasn’t my story. I’d chose to have my mom and not a family history of cancer any day. I started the preventative care route with yearly check ups at the breast center when I was in my mid 30s and had a baby on my hip. I had my first mammogram in October at 39. It was quick and the results were favorable-no lumps, no areas of concern, no dense breasts. The yearly exam at the breast center has always been uneventful. So really my focus on Wednesday was just powering through a test I knew was going to be harder.
And harder it was. I hated it. As do most. An MRI involves uncomfortable positioning, needing to remain completely motionless, being pushed into a small tube and IV contrast being pumped into your veins. But we do it because preventative care matters and we can do hard things. Everyone I had spoken to warned about it being loud. But I wasn’t prepared for what that actually meant and the range of tones and sounds. It was like a fire alarm going off in your ear for 25 minutes but changing pitch every few minutes as they snapped a different angle. No thank you. I left, took my overwhelmed self to Tatte for cookies and then got a pedicure. An intentional attempt to reframe the day and try to eek out some lovely. It never dawned on me that there was going to be more. I patted myself on the back for being proactive and taking care of myself well and figured I’d revisit this in 6 months.
Early the next morning, I was on my way home from school drop off, so not even 24 hours later, I got a call from the breast center. And the nurse hedged and began to explain how sensitive MRIs can be and how I was probably told it would likely find something. I don’t remember being told that and I listened to her explain they had found a lump on my right breast that would need further testing. I felt surprisingly at peace as I got off the phone and texted my husband but I think it was numbness. Because as the day wore on I got angrier and angrier. And that’s when a case of the “less than’s” began to take hold.
It is really easy to feel less than. We do it when we watch social media and see what we want coming so easily to another. It is easy to feel it when we chat with friends, celebrate other’s victories or just simply exist in a world with so many loud messages being proclaimed over us. It is easy to feel less than. And boy have I sunk into them these last 24 hours. As I got angrier and angrier, the anthem wrecking havoc on my soul was “of course. Of course they found something. Why wouldn’t they?” Because I’m the one person on the planet that always gets the short end of the stick and has to constantly reframe it just to survive. Of course.
I feel like I ALWAYS have to find the lovely. Why can’t it actually just BE lovely. Why am I always searching for some way to make something crappy good? So it’s really hard to not fall into the “less than’s” when you feel like you’ve gotten the shaft in so many ways. When you’re waiting and waiting and nothing is happening. Wait what? You just looked at your husband and got pregnant? Oh my gosh what would that be like. I had to claw my way into pregnancy with every test in the friggin’ book and I wanted it SO badly. Wait, you get pregnant and don’t have a baby with a birth defect? Wait what? You get to go out of town and just drop your kids off at the their loving grandparent’s house? I can’t even imagine what that would look like. Wait, your remaining parent actually talks to you? Wait a second, you put an offer in on a house and you ACTUALLY get it? You mean that happens in real life? Wait a second, you have a dream and you work really hard and you ACTUALLY accomplish it? I just work really hard and it doesn’t happen. Wait, you go in for scans and they actually turn out to be clean? I feel like I have had to claw my way into any good thing we’ve got in this life. And it can FEEL like everyone on the planet has had an easier go at this life thing. But that is just a lie you are believing. It is a lie I AM believing. It is really easy to fall into a case of the less than’s. Remember, everyone has a thing. Every human on this planet.
I just ran 14 miles to worship music to try and leave all this ick at the foot of the cross. Because I don’t know what else to do with it. When life just feels hard, like nothing is turning out the way you had hoped, it is easy to sink. And it IS exhausting to try and find lovely. It is. It is not fun, I don’t want to do it right now, I just want to mope, sit and be angry that of course I have to go in for more testing. Why wouldn’t I have to spend more time in a hospital? Oh that Jackie, we’ll just throw the book at her because she’ll be able to somehow spin it for good. Like there is some cosmic game going on right now to see what will actually break me.
And I would be lying to all of you if I pretended the reframing the narrative in my head was easy. It’s soul-exhausting but we still have to do it. Because you have to go to work, and you have to parent and you have to be a friend and you have to still exist in this world even when it feels like it is ripping you off. I have some questions for my Maker. But you know what. I believe that Maker went to the cross for me and we are just about to celebrate that. Funny timing actually. I have sat and rattled off all the ways I feel ripped off and instead I could be sitting there rattling off all the abundance that has been poured out over me. Because I actually did get to have babies. And although it was devastating to hand my first over to a surgeon to have his little foot amputated, he’s currently climbing a tree out my window and is more agile than most Americans. It is MY privilege in life to be his mom and watch the resiliency first hand. I am a different person because of it and it has sprouted good in my life like nothing else has. I had five years with my mom after she was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer and she fought hard to see her grand babies. I saw her resiliency first hand. Relationships are hard but this isn’t the end of my story. Someday we might get the house and both be excited about it. Maybe my next test will be clean. I’m not dead yet so the dreams that are collecting dust could theoretically still happen. What do we allow our hearts to rest on? All the ways we feel like we are less than or all the abundance we all have in a million different ways? For me today, I feel like I’ve been standing in the most beautiful of gardens, and all I can see and am pouting about is the mud on my feet and I am forgetting to lift my eyes up to see the flowers. So friend, may today you lift your eyes up and see all the ways you are NOT less than.
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This is one of the most honest and brave pieces of writing I’ve ever seen on the internet, (heck anywhere for that matter). I could feel the emotion pouring out, and it was so incredibly relatable — although all of us struggle in different ways. Sending you love, prayers, and very genuinely rooting for you to first) get through what you’re current facing bigger picture) get every single thing you want in life. Much love, and thank you.
You are a gifted and inspirational writer…. I am praying for a good outcome for you beautiful Jackie… I remember your mom saying she has a gift for decorating and everything and she thought it skipped her generation … she was speaking of you.. but I know she was lovely in every way as well
Oh, Jackie, please know how you deserve to feel the way you do right now! To be honest, I smiled when you wrote your “of course” defense…can’t tell you how many times I’ve said that to myself, about so many different curve balls that have been thrown my way. Though we’ve never met, i believe you are a strong person in all aspects of your life. This being said, I sometimes feel everyone finds adversity is easier to handle when you do appear this way and that you’re given less of a comfort pass from others as a result. I have come to feel the reality of this over the years and have tired of the sheer weight of it. So, allow yourself to have the sad feelings and then pick up the pieces when you are ready, not when everyone thinks you should be ready!(like yesterday:) Your strength is there, but you deserve to feel exactly the way you do right now!
So sorry, Jackie! You’re right, it can be hard to not say “why me, and why not them”. Praying for you today and that your next scan rules out cancer. Either way, God loves you, has a plan for you, and will never leave you.
You have so eloquently hit the nail on the head. The devil can’t hurt or spirit, body or mind…so he lies. It’s ALL he’s got. But he didn’t get you because you recognized his lie. Praise God! He really IS good! And He really is walking with us every step of this earthly life. I’m so glad this world isn’t the destination. Our heaven has already begun, reconciliation with our heavenly Dad! Happy Easter! You’re in my prayers. Love you!
What a raw and honest post about life! So many of us feel this way at times and it’s alright. God allows our lives to be what they are and to use His strength to move through the hard – which you are very aware and have had much practice. He is with you❤️
You have all the right to be angry. I know you have family history but that doesn’t mean that’s your fate. I follow you on instagram love all your adventures. We’ve even met a couple of times. I’m a Designer at Potterybarn. Everyone looks at people and thinks how lucky look at their life. No one has everything. I’ve lived many times as you with those feeling. A baby 9 years old of infertility. 6 miscarriages.no one knew how this was effecting me until a friend saw me fall apart after a shower. No one knew all my friends popping out babies I was auntie Ellyn to all . Left and was tears in my car. Finally adoption was our way. Beautiful daughter. Many things along the husband cancer with issues ever since. Then in the last few years lost my dad my mom and (I didn’t realize she must have been my therapy dog ) holding me together because this holiday season she passed. Omg what a life but we are strong. We are woman. You light up a page with your talents. Give yourself grace. Friends of mine have gone through this with history and it turns out good. Thoughts and prayers you are lovely!
So sorry you are going thru this, hopefully the testing will quickly show no need for further concern. Give yourself some time to be frustrated, then look at those beautiful children and home to cheer you. Keeping you in my prayers
I live in beautiful New England too. I can be part of your tribe…accompany you to appts (gee, how many hundreds of us will they let in the waiting room). I can bring ice packs, prepare a family meal and support & support you. Yes, MRIs find many new things, just as a first mammogram does as it has nothing to compare to. Most findings are reassuring but also , if not, catch problems very early!
Wishing you a blessed Easter weekend with your family. Thinking of you, Jane
I am sorry you are going through this experience right now. Your feelings were beautifully expressed. I too have felt similar feelings. I’ve been called back from a yearly mammogram several times for more images. One required a biopsy that certainly gave me a scare. Thankfully, it was benign and I am praying the same will be for you. But every year, I start getting anxious a few months before my yearly mammogram. The anxiety can be crippling at times. I have dense, fibrocystic breast tissue and they are not easy to screen. My genetic testing was negative too but it doesn’t erase the fear. I just want you to know that you are not alone. I feel you. I’m am cheering for you and praying for you. We haven’t met but know you are supported by those you don’t even know. Try to put your worries aside and enjoy your Easter!
Oh, I am sending you the most gigantic hug. I will say extra prayers for a clean bill of health, and may this be the one and only extra testing. I have heard lots of people have repeats for their very first MRI and then the rest are fine. I hope you have a wonderful Easter.
Sometimes life CAN be hard. Like you, my husband and I struggled to get pregnant and went through numerous things to get there. When I finally did get pregnant our daughter was born prematurely only weighing 2 lbs. 4 oz. We were afraid of losing her. She came home on O2 after 98 days in the hospital. Today she is 34 years old and the joy in our life. She graduated high school #1, studied at Oxford for a year, gas a great career and a wonderful husband. It wasn’t easy. Five years ago I was diagnosed with breast cancer. No one in my family had it. Luckily it was caught early and I only needed a lumpectomy and radiation. I thought, “Why me?” But I know I was lucky. Hopefully you will be too. In February we lost my 98 year old mother. This week my husband lost his brother – his only sibling. In Oct. my brother was diagnosed with cancer. He had to go through awful chemo. I know he said, “Why me.” But the cancer is gone now. I know firsthand that life isn’t easy. All I can say is surround yourself with people you love and who love you back. And never give up hope!
What a powerful post. Take the time to mope & be sad, and one day you’ll see the lovely and it won’t have felt so hard. Sending love.
❤️
J- I am so sorry you are going through this challenge; to your health and your peace. I am sending big hugs and prayers from Austin. It’s hard to witness your pain but I so admire your bravery and honesty in sharing it. Continue to reach out – there are lots of people who want the best for you
may God bless you!
As i started read it your blog, it worried me, almost angried me because i felt you only saw the negative. But girl, you switched it fast, yes fast to gratefulness. I thank God for the years he give me with my parents, my son that left us too soon, my husband that was diagnosed with cancer. Like you i have to see the lovely of what i was given, not what was taken.
You got this girl!
Dear Jackie
Your beautiful Instagram is the reason I still believe there is good in the online universe! I am inspired by it and it brings me joy to read. I know you will continue to bring us all joy ❤️ Wishing you strength, love and good health as you move through this chapter
Oh, Jackie, I am so sorry you have to go through this. I am hoping and praying that this lump is benign and it’s just another bump in the road for you. Life is not easy, and as a 68 year old I cannot fathom why some people have it so much better than others. From what you share here on IG it seems like you’ve living in a household with a great husband and 3 beautiful children. I hope you get your results quickly so the dreaded “wait” isn’t too long. Plain and simple; life just sucks sometimes.
Sending you courage and strength going forward.
. Jan
Jackie, no words will comfort you right now. Just know there is a tribe of individuals of whom send love & a virtual hug your way. Know this! Praying for you.
Kathy
Hi Jackie, I’m your neighbor over in Natick. I’m a Pastor at Connect Church in Framingham. I’m so sorry for all the hardships that you’ve gone through. You’re a delightful person. I’ve often thought that the people who have more influence are the people that are more tested by God. If you think about it, every person in the Bible had serious times of testing. Including Jesus in the garden at gethsemane when he had to battle the choice to go to the cross. He actually defeated Satan in that garden. Even though the cross is what saved us and the ultimate resurrection, the battle was one in that garden. You are a person who loves to garden! And I know your battles are gonna be won in the garden because you will submit to God‘s plans so he can do greater things with you. I’m praying for you today that test result comes back negative in Jesus name!
Dear Jackie,
It’s okay if you don’t find the lovely in this scenario. Feeling blindsided is a devastating feeling. That being said, your many prayer warriors are going to lift you up in prayer and believe in God’s Healing power for you. And I’m going to think positive that even if? it’s not the diagnosis no one wants to hear it is being caught early. Until then I’m believing it’s just an image on an MRI that requires further investigation because of your family history. You’ve been through a lot in your 40 years dear girl but you are Blessed in so many ways and I know that you know that. I’m a 72 year old Mom, “Nonna” to my two grands and a Retired RN. I wish I could give you that Mom hug that we all so desperately need regardless of our age. My own daughter-in-law, age 44, lost her Mom 10 years ago to pancreatic cancer after a valiant 5 year battle. Life isn’t fair! I try to be as supportive to her as I can but no one can ever replace that relationship.
Just know you have many Mom like supporters on this platform who are quite fond of you and your family and deeply care for someone we’ve never met IRL but know that we would love to. I wish I lived closer so I could bring you a Mom meal: translation:comfort food. My son says feeding people is my love language. You are a child of God Jackie, you are loved by your Creator and oh so many others. May you feel that love and the heartfelt prayers as you traverse this time of uncertainty. Sending hugs and prayers. Ramona Myers, Wichita, KS
J – You inspire me and have brought tears to my eyes in the very best way with your writing. I love your laugh when you point out the ironies of life.
I hope you’ve been able to schedule the next test to happen asap. The worry and wait is soul crushing, I know. Those times when you just have a sense about something? I have a feeling you’re going to be given a fresh, joyful outlook on the lovely of life. Really.
Thank you for sharing your insight with us all. I’m thinking all the good thoughts for you.
xo Marty
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. My daughter is a little younger than you and the mom in me just wants to give you a hug. I’m praying for a clean bill of health.
I’d welcome that hug! Thank you!