There are just some seasons of life that are filled with uncertainty and try as we might to foresee all that can happen, just the waiting for something can bring a myriad of emotions. Some feel good–those flutters in the stomach of excitement and others don’t feel great–the anxiety of trying and fear of unknown outcomes. I feel like I’m in that waiting season wading through uncertainty and trying to keep from spinning into oblivion.
I feel a bit like a time bomb at 35 weeks pregnant now. That initial level of low PAPP-A from my genetic screening at 12 weeks is floating in my head where I’d prefer just all out joy and excitement for baby number 3 to be. That low number correlates to some negative pregnancy outcomes that google is sure to tell you all about, but one is preterm labor, ie “you might pop any day now.”
I’ve only ever been told negative, unsettling things while pregnant and heck, getting pregnant isn’t usually a breeze. This is an IVF baby as Cade was. I do not know what a “normal” pregnancy is like and that is also contributing a bit to this season of uncertainty. I watch these two crazy boys of mine and I think, “how am I going to do this.” How do you even fit a newborn into this crazy family? It’s a nut house most of the time. Don’t let that fluffed pillow fool you.
I’ve even gone so far as to sit down and craft a care.com ad that goes something like this, “HELPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!” That’s as far as I’ve gotten. Because the uncertainty of inviting a stranger into my home during a season with a newborn where they can see (and critique) those rough and raw edges of my very human heart terrifies me a bit. Because relinquishing some parenting control and the uncertainty of my hooligans traumatizing an innocent caregiver is enough to send me running to the hills. Because not even knowing the gender of this baby is starting to play tricks on my mind.
The “nursery” looks like an episode from hoarders, my master closet is still rough and far from done. My list of “get it done” feels like it grows by the day. And logically I know that no amount of crossing things off a list will make me ready to meet and nurture my new baby. Nothing can prepare me for labor again and that divided mom heart where you try to simultaneously pour lovely into 3 little human beings that call you momma about 1300 times per day. Literally in every direction I turn it’s there, lurking–uncertainty. And it feels scary and harsh rather than exhilarating like I thought it would.
So yesterday I waddled to the Container Store and bought just about every basket and clear bin they had, determined to control at least one aspect of my life…the hall closet. And it was exhausting and frustrating and tried my parenting patience as I stood there trying to understand how to best utilize that space all while parenting (ie screaming at) hooligan 1 and hooligan 2 as they screamed like steam trains running up and down the hallway. And I promise, an organizing blog post is coming soon that’ll answer all your questions, stay tuned!
By the time I crawled in bed and laid there a bit, my husband broke the silence with a “I saw an ad online yesterday for an app that allows you to see what your children will look like as adults.” I immediately said, “download that sucker.” So he tried to find it at 11 pm in the dark and I sat there, my mind switched to a new direction. Holy moly they’re going to grow up! They’re not going to run like steam trains up and down my halls forever and that made me ache. Oh the hormone swings. Needless to say, he never found it and I had a nice long stare at the ceiling.
Doesn’t uncertainty do that? It robs us of the RIGHT NOW. I’ve tried with intention over the last 2 years to find the lovely in the everyday ordinary. The lovely that’s already all around. It’s been my mantra as I wade through the parenting trenches. But I’ve gotten to a place of so much uncertainty that I simply can’t seem to find it at the moment. I’ve left the pursuit of the lovely and tried to manufacture it for myself. Instead of seeing what is already there, I’ve tried to craft it in perfectly folded towels and a bandaid bin that doesn’t look like a 3 year old climbed in and swam around. And there is nothing wrong with organizing, shoot everyone should do it because it makes life much easier and relaxing. But I’m using it to mask the real problem…that I can’t control life and that makes me anxious.
Whatever season you find yourself in, it is a very real reality for all of us that we have no control over what is happening to us. We can eat healthfully, take our vitamins, remove stressors from our life and battle with infertility. You can do everything right and be hit with a diagnosis that devastates you or someone dear. You can work your tail off and lose your job. Our lives are fragile and so very uncertain. For me naming this reality in my right now has helped. I’m anxious that something dreadful is looming and I am acknowledging that fear. But as intentional as I try to be about the “staying in the right now” and not allowing my brain to catapult 7 months in the future, I need to be very purposeful to review how faithful God has been in my life. How the hard hard times have truly turned out to be beautiful blessings. We dread what we think is “bad” all the while not realizing that sometimes we mislabel these times of uncertainty. Thank God I’m not the same person I was 5 years ago. How I’ve been stretched and molded and pushed out of my comfort zone! And it’s these kiddos and these hard days that are doing it. Remind yourself dear one, as I remind myself, that you can thrive in the hard and it can often create those times of immense growth and loveliness.
“Do not be anxious about anything but in every situation, through prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present you requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and your minds in Christ Jesus.”
Philippians 4:6-7
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This is a beautiful post. I had 3 babies in five years with two in diapers for about 18 months. You are in an exhausting time, but doing the right thing to try and stay in the moment as much as possible. Rest. Breathe.
Thank you Carolanne! Such sweet words and I think the staying in the moment will be huge for me.
Amen! There is so much increase in Christ through our sufferings. It is darn hard but there’s no other true hope other than Him. Every outcome is safe with God. Thanks for sharing your heart in this space
Thank you for these kind words Shea! I couldn’t agree more! I wish it was easier to align our head knowledge with our heart fragility sometimes. I’m working to let these truths soak into my soul.
I had low PAPP-A with both pregnancies. I cried my eyes out 1st time around, and was worried till I gave birth to a a healthy and big baby girl that I carried to full term. The 2nd pregnancy I was more calm and just wished the entire time that they didn’t run as many tests, especially the ones that they can’t fully explain/confirm.
It really is an additional worry, all those tests they run. Now that I’m almost full term I’m feeling that weight those numbers added to my last many weeks. Thank you for sharing!
I live like this a lot this fear it overwhelms me I believe in prayer so I try pray a lot I lost family and friends to cancer I live in such fear for myself and my immediate family .
Thank you for sharing Ivian. It really is a struggle, living with the fear of so much uncertainty. I pray you experience some peace as you walk through your days. Turn your eyes heavenward, as I remind myself, and I think we’ll come out stronger and more joyful. Blessings on you and your family!
I felt this way with our baby #3. There was a lot of unknown, a lot of nerves. I think looking back I probably had some ppd, and whatever it’s called when you’re still pregnant. He is my humbler, still. His personality is so different than my own, but we joke that he will take care of us in our old age, because he gets it done. The other day he was in time-out for something and he looked at me and said: I won’t take care of you if you’re mean to me. Bless this child.
Jackie, you got this, even if it’s minute by minute, day by day. You have two incredible boys who will be helpful and love their little baby. You will give yourself grace to not get it all done, to have a little more screen time for your little men and you will enjoy the newborn smell and the cries. I’m praying that this is an easier little one. I know Kai was not.
You’re an amazing Momma! ❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Aimee for these encouraging words. I really do take them to heart and cherish them.
You have shared the truth and reality of life…among the beauty of it there will be times it is woven with the absolute uncertainty of it!…I read once that 98% of what we fear or agonize over…is never realized…Thank God!…but especially as Moms…we “go there”. I have 3 grown daughters but your words took me back…I had Toxemia with my first pregnancy…and long story short was lucky to exit without a stroke…and my doctor told my husband that he was lucky to have his wife…and as a bonus…our daughter. Each pregnancy after…especially that last 6 weeks..I felt almost removed from people around me…very introspective…and very much like I was sitting on a time bomb of sorts. My husband dismissed it with ” why are you doing this to yourself?…you have already had a child”. Everything you shared…went through my mind…I realized the fragility of life..the no guarantee…this is it part…
What I want to share being this many years down the road from where you are is that you will be up to it…and truly we are not given more than we can handle…there will always be something we have to go through and grow through…life is a ride that is bumpy at times…and is always changing…but mixed with sweet and beautiful moments mixed in! Hang in there sweetie…your beautiful family almost complete…the last mile is always the longestsomething tells me you have the heart & soul to weather whatever comes your way…what choice do we have??!!
Thank you Deb! I so appreciate these caring, thoughtful words. They resonated with my heart!
This has got to be one the best posts I have EVER read! Thank you so much for sharing you fears, uncertainties and anxieties. I’m sorry you’re going through all that. It’s hard. But as someone that suffers anxiety every single day…it’s comforting to know I’m not alone. And that verse…amazing! Thank you.
Laurie you’re sweet to take the time to write such a kind comment. Thank you! These ebb and flow to the seasons in our lives will ultimately produce so much lovely we won’t know what to do with it all but being in the trenches of it all can be exhausting and hard. Blessings on you my friend.
I think you are such an eloquent writer Jackie and in touch with all your feelings. I am much older and a mother of 4 grown children and now have 3 precious grand babies. A mother’s heart does experience so many emotions 24/7 but I can tell you most of our worries never happen and best to spend the time giving it to God. You seem to know this but the practice is tough!
This new baby will be exactly what your family needs and most likely be seemless compared to bringing home your second son. Just try to savor this time as it goes by in a blur so why not enjoy the ride if possible. I will pray the baby is a good sleeper!!
Also I wanted to share what a friend did to announce their 3rd baby as it was really cute. They dressed the baby in a gold and white blanket and had a bow up above baby’s left side and a beanie to the right. They took a picture and there were no words. Then you swiped the photo and it showed the little boy wearing the beanie and his name and stats. It was so cute and they were thrilled since they had 2 daughters !
You probably already have something up your sleeve but wanted to share.
I am inspired by you and your sweet family daily. Be gentle with yourself and prays for all the best ahead.
Hugs from California,
Gwynne
How cute Gwynne! Thank you for sharing!
Just beautifully written; thank you.
Thank you Jade!
You really are in the middle of a busy and exhausting and exciting season. I have three kids (15,12,9) and I remember those same feelings and thoughts! You really are doing awesome! Ask for as much help as you need ! Happy mom happy life! Seriously, the more adults on hand the better! 🙂 You got this ! We are all cheering for you and your little family ! Prayers for you as you are in this season of uncertainty ! ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you Ali! I so appreciate the support!
Have you followed Ashlyn Carter? Three young children close together and they are now in Preschool and Kindegarten. She talks about life when they were young and life now.
You are a wonderful Christian women and God will give you the strength in these very busy years.